about me

the whole world is a swirling blue film of slanted light and bent images. there is soft tinkling sound in the distance, the filter maybe. there is a quiet stiffness to the viscousness in my ears and eyes. my eyes are open and they are burning. above me two legs are floating in the blue sky, kicking like a newborns. Toes are clenching and unclenching, fists banging the surface. my hair is suspended around my face, long and blonde as it is. it creeps past my lips. my puffed cheeks. i blink slowly. i let my chest graze the cement bottom, my body hanging vertical above the floor. my bathing suit catches on the rough surface and makes me stick for a second. my legs are kicking softly, from the knees down. i am trying to stay just above the ground. i keep floating upward, little by little. im trying to be as still as possible. there is a loud crash behind me and i am surrounded by a million tiny bubbles that tickle my ankles and thighs. my lungs start to burn. i do not glance back to see who has come into the still moment i was having alone, at the bottom, away from the melted ice cream sandwiches, the screaming children, the menacing lifeguard. i keep floating under the blanket of blue, high on the peacefulness. when i close my eyes, the chlorine is stinging badly. i take both palms and plant them on the ground, shove myself toward the surface kicking hard and burst through sucking in air and taking deep breaths. i hear my name though i ignore it. i want to go back under but my ears are popping and ringing with the change in pressure, the release of the water. i push a strand of long, blonde, wet hair away from my forehead and just sink low enough in the water so my mouth is under. i swim carefully to the side of the pool and grasp the metal gutter the encircles the inner lip. feeling my way along the side with little toes on the wall, crab walking with my hands, i edge towards the deep end. mommy is standing there. she is holding out a towel like she wants to show me the design. i know she wants me to get in it though, get out of the water and step into her hug and i know she'll wrap me in that towel. it will be warm and soft and smell like the grass. shes talking to someone over her shoulder. its not really time to get out yet. if it were shed be looking right at me. shed have the look. the one she gets sometimes when im in big trouble. but for now shes distracted. i go back under. I can barely hear her call to me again as the sounds fade. i swim deeper. all of a sudden, theres tate. shes looking me in the face from just inches away with cheeks just as puffed as mine, holding in a little less air. shes swimming in that spastic way, twitching all over to try to stay under. somehow it is always just her bottom that floats to the surface and bobs there while the rest of her body is under water, reaching to keep her from surfacing. she has her eyes open as do i. she is just kicking. holding her breath. looking at me as she sways. she is smiling. the air comes from her mouth and nose in a burst of white bubbles as she laughs under water and has to surface before she swallows any. i watch as her tiny body swims upward, past mine. my eye level meets her chest, strained with effort, her pumping arms, her belly thats still rotund with baby fat, and her knees. finally, her toes wiggle past me as she makes it to the surface. when i am alone again, the silence envelops me. i feel fatigue creeping through my bones. six long hours of swimming. im nine. i love it. i settle into my favorite thought - what it will be like when i get a boyfriend. It is all i think about. i know one day ill put my fingers in his hair like nanny does to grandpa. i know he'll speak a language i dont know. maybe hell be from another planet- like le petite prince. he'll be just my height and have very dark eyes. he'll smell like summer and happiness and like this moment, in the pool, at the bottom of everything, watching people swim though the sky. when he holds my hand i'll know it fits like a lock and key and when he whispers to me in his language, ill let the words roll over me like waves on the sand - massage me, mold me, move me. his name will fit perfectly in every haiku, his ears will be soft and he'll smell like my mom. as the water creeps into my nose a little farther, and again i feel the burn from lack of air, i make myself stay under. the pain will help me find him sooner i tell myself.